This afternoon my husband's brother went home to be with Jesus. Pray for my beloved and our grieving family. While this was not a totally unexpected loss, it did come much sooner than hoped.

John 11:25
"I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live."

Perspective

There are so many things about adoption that are difficult. Worries about money, attachment, health, and travel. The list is long and varies for each family. There is one difficulty that plagues every adoptive family.

Waiting.

Unless you have walked this road, there is no way you could understand THIS waiting. This waiting makes it hard to breathe. Hard to focus. This waiting is heartbreaking.

Some wait with pictures, they know the names and faces of their children. Some wait knowing they have a child or children somewhere, but they don't know who they are. Both wait knowing that their children are far away from the love and safety of family. Many wait knowing that everyday that passes, means their child is hungrier. Everyday means their child is sicker. Everyday means their child is lonelier. Some wait knowing that with each day that passes, their child may be one day closer to death. Some wait knowing that each day that passes their children are venerable to all sorts of abuse and sickness. Some wait, knowing their child is relatively safe and well cared for, but still wait, knowing that they should be the ones caring for them...not another.

Some wait weeks. Some wait months. For some the months of waiting stretch into years. Glitches in paperwork, government red tape, lack of money can stretch this wait out much longer than one ever could have imagined.

This wait can hurt so deeply, that sometimes you can even wonder why you are putting yourself through such affliction. You wonder each day how much you should let yourself love this child. How much of yourself should you give away. Then you are brought back to reality. You already deeply love this child. You have already given your whole heart. You can't get it back. This is your child, and you will fight for them.

You will wait.

Chris Rice has a song entitled Smile. During our wait, I heard this song on many different adoption blogs. I would vaguely listen until he would get to the chorus, then the tears would fall.

"Cause I just wanna be with You, I just want this waiting to be over. I just want to be with You, And it helps to know the Day is getting closer. Every minute takes an hour. Every inch feels like a mile, Til I won't have to imagine, And I finally get to see You smile."

I would hear those words and they would resonate in my soul. Every minute felt like an hour. Every step felt like it revealed another mile in the journey.

Then one day, it hit me. I personally think it was Lord asking. What exactly is this song about anyway? I had never really listened to the whole song, only the chorus. So I found a YouTube video and listened.






This time the tears were falling for a different reason. Was I longing to be with Jesus like this? Was I longing to see Him face to face?

Obviously there was nothing wrong with wanting to be with my children, to have my family together. There was nothing wrong with the pain that came with that wait.

There was however, something very wrong with my heart.

I had lost my perspective. I had lost sight of what should always matter most. My relationship with the Lord should supersede all others. I wanted my children, more than I wanted Jesus.

Since that time I have asked myself on several occasions, what is the focus of my deepest longings? Is it on the things of this world that will perish and fade? Or is it on the everlasting things, the things that are above? Why do I do the things I do? Is it for the approval of man? Or is it out of a heart filled with gratitude toward the God who saved me? Where is my focus? Is it on my impossible circumstances? Or is it on the God who does the impossible? Am I angry, bitter, or restless over my circumstances? Or am I resting and trusting in Jesus and His word? When things don't happen they way I want in the timing I want, do I respond like a spoiled child? Or do I trust that God's wisdom and timing are best?

It is so easy for me to loose perspective. Especially during trials. I want answers. The Lord tells me that faith is trusting Him, even when I don't know the answers. He tells me to rest in the fact that He knows the answers. I want to avoid pain. He tells me that through my pain He will change me. He will make me stronger, more compassionate, more patient. He tells me through my trails I will learn perseverance. He tells me that suffering draws me nearer to Him. I tell Him, I don't like this plan of His...it doesn't seem good. He reminds me that I see only the temporal. He sees everything. That faith is believing His word is true, even when my circumstances and my greatest enemy would have me believe otherwise. He reminds me, as He draws me near with His loving kindness to trust Him. To keep my perspective where it needs to be.

On Him

Banging My Head Against A Wall

Have you ever felt like you were banging your head up against a wall? Or at least like banging your head up against a wall, would feel better than dealing with current situation?

I do.
Let me recap yesterday, will ya?

Marissa had a fever of 103 new years eve. She came to me and told me, "Mommy, my head is broken." Talk about heartbreaking....but that is beside the point. She looked terrible. After some prayer and a short consultation, we decide to wait this out.

Next day...she is fine.

Saturday, same scenario as Thursday.

Sunday...no problems.

Yesterday morning, we have a repeat of symptoms.

Now if this were one of my children that didn't just come home from Africa six months ago, I could blow this off as a virus or something. Not with this child. I know way too much about malaria to do that. Even if I didn't know anything, the infectious disease doctor that I had to see , was very explicit in her instructions, "If you or your husband, or your two new children have a reoccurring fever within the next year, you must assume first it is malaria, and demand a test."

Which reminds of a question, If ignorance is bliss and knowledge is power...does that mean all knowledgeable people are unhappy? I was just wondering.

Anyway, back to our day. Fever, headache, and chills that comes in cycles...hmm...sounds like I should have a malaria smear done. Not a problem...right? So I call our PCP (which I always thought was some type of hallucinogenic drug...not a doctor) and ask the simple question, "My daughter from Africa needs to have a malaria test, can you get us a lab order so I can get that done today?" Can you guess the reply I got? "Um, no. You need to take her to the emergency room."

Now look, I don't mean to write a huge long post...but you must know that even if my daughter has malaria...at this point there is no way it is life threatening. There are four types of this nasty little parasite, and the one that kills you....falciparum...well, there is no way she could have this one. We have been home too long for it to possibly be this strain. If she has malaria, she would have one of the other three that all have a dormant stage in the liver. These may make you feel yucky...but you ain't dyin' from one of these.

Did I mention I know A LOT about malaria? Really, I am not a doctor...but I do pretend to be one in real life.

Anyway, back to my story. In my mind this is not an emergency room type of event. All I want is a simple blood test. So I call a local pediatric clinic, and have the following conversation,

Me: "Hi, my daughter, adopted from Africa, needs to have a malaria smear. Do you have an on site lab and are you capable of doing this test?"

Them: "Yes ma'am we can do that."

Me: "Great can I get an appointment?"

Them: "No we are a walk in only clinic."

Me: "Great we are on our way."

I am thinking this is fabulous. I should have know better. If it seems to good to be true...it probably is.

So, I get to said clinic and get into see the doc. I tell her what is going on and request a malaria smear. She smiles, and gives me THAT look, and replies, "I think I am going to go ahead and do a strep test." I am thinking...um lady, you haven't even looked at her throat to know if it is inflamed...but whatever. Thirty minutes later, she comes back in and tells me the strep test is negative. Huh, big surprise there. I again mention the malaria smear I am after. She tells me her next step will be a flu test. Now again, I know I am no doctor...but this child CLEARLY does not have the flu. So they proceed to stick a cotton swab up my poor child's nose and dig around...after I have told her on several occasions not to stick anything up there. Thirty minutes later she comes back in and informs me the flu test has come back negative. Ya don't say? She says to give her a few minutes to make some phone calls, and assures me she will be back in no time. Thirty minutes later she returns and says, "This is what I found out...she needs a malaria smear. We can't do that here you need to take her to the hospital."

Picture me banging my head against the wall.

At this point I am thinking...I have the stuff at home to do this. I was trained to do my own blood smears, by the doctor and the lab, after I got home from Uganda. I should just go home, make my own slide, have the science teacher meet us at the school and look myself on their microscopes. All I need to know is if this is malaria...or something else. I am even thinking a three hour drive to Mexico to pick up the meds has got to be better than this.

No, I dutifully take my daughter to the recommended hospital, where a person named Marcos, would be waiting for us.

I should mention, I never saw a Marcos.

As irritated as I am at this point, I am thinking...at least we can get this done here...and move on with life. We proceed to fill this new guy in on everything I have now told three doctors, and four nurses. He looks her over, tells me she looks great, she probably has a virus and will be better in a few days. I politely ask for a malaria smear. Really...I was polite. He proceeds to tell me that with malaria the fever is unrelenting...it doesn't go away. That there are intense fever and chills as well as headaches. I proceeded to tell him that may be true with falciparum malaria, but that with the three other strains fever and chills that come in one, two, or even three day cycles is quite normal. He gives us THAT look, and confirms that he is sure it is not malaria. The symptoms just don't match up...she has a virus. Great, I am fine with a virus...in fact I would rather prefer it. BUT CAN WE JUST GET A BLOOD SMEAR TO MAKE CERTAIN!!!!

At this point, my darling beloved does what I can never manage to do in these situations. He demands to have her screened for malaria. The doctor concedes...we finally are going to get what we have been after since 10:30 am.

TWO hours later, the doc comes back in and tells us she does not have malaria. Cool, now I can go home.

Ten minutes later the nurse...God love him...he was great, came in, and in detail went over all the tests that were ran. It was at this time we were informed that they only tested her for falciparum malaria. They did not test for the other three kinds, and that we need to have our PCP order those labs on an out patient basis.

Picture me banging my head against the wall.

We arrive home at 12:30 in the morning...pocket book lighter from our co pays...and right back where we started.

Picture me banging my head against the wall.

Maybe I need to get some of that OTHER PCP?


PS- To my dear friend Janet. Since I am trying very hard to follow the new years resolutions you made for me...I feel it is only fair that I get to request a blog post from you. I would like it to be entitled, "GIANT KICK IN THE PANTS...THE DOCTOR VERSION."