Random Thoughts About the Last Week

My mom flew in from Kansas to be with us over Christmas. Even though it had only been a few days since we had left her, I longed to be with her. To hug her. To know she was OK. It was so good to see her. I love her so much, and my heart continually breaks for her. At this point I don't know what is hurting me more: the loss of my father or my mother's deep pain. I pray for her continually that she might feel the comfort of the Lord.


Christmas was as good as it could be under the circumstances. My grandmother came up from the coast to spend the day with us as well. It is hard for me to imagine her pain of loosing her husband then less than six weeks later her oldest son.

The boys LOVED the survival packs we gave them for their gifts. They unpacked and packed all their survival gear over and over again. They both have devoured the survival books that came in the packs, and have figured out what still needs to be added. I have been enlightened of all sorts of lovely survival facts. Did you know that animals eyes are high in water content? If you ever find yourself thirsty, just find ya some eyes and suck on em'.


I had been longing to give Grace her gift since we found it at a yard sell. It is times like this, when I have a great gift I know my child will be thrilled with, that I get a small inkling of what it must be like for the Lord to have a good gift for us. The look on her face was priceless...I think she was almost in tears. Daddy promptly got a huge hug and kiss. Needless to say she was thrilled with her sewing machine. I am looking forward to teaching her to sew.


William and Marissa were just as thrilled with their gifts. Marissa loves to play in her kitchen. So she got all sorts of yummy plastic food and cooking goodies. This is good for me...now I get to eat plastic sandwiches and fruit instead of Legos and math counters. William got a couple of good electronic educational toys...which he loves.

The best gift however came from grandma...the Wii. Oh my...can someone tell me how I can do five miles on the elliptical and not feel any pain, but a day of bowling and boxing on the Wii leaves me unable to move? Yikes...man was I hurtin'.

Noah got his big buck on Friday...a 12 pointer. It's going to be a long hunting life for him...it's going to be hard to go up from there. He was thrilled, and we were so very proud. This was a very hard moment for us though. My dad was an avid hunter...he would have been so proud of Noah. This was the first of I am sure many moments when I wished he were here to share the moment with. I know that this was just another heart breaking moment for my mom.

Speaking of Noah...we have some friends who are going to be adopting from an African country sometime very soon. One of their sweet children has some pretty serious hearing loss. When Noah found this out, he said, "YES! Now I have an excuse to learn sign language." Sweet.

Speaking of that family...you know who you are...our children always get to go buy each other Christmas gifts at the dollar tree. This is an event that they love and look forward to with joyful expectation. This year, rather than buy each other gifts, they chose to set aside that money to help with this families adoption expenses.

Speaking of adoption, we have our first follow up visit with our social worker on Thursday. Six months already...I can hardly believe we have been home from Uganda with these children for six months. Wow.

Umm...I am sure there is more but that is all I can think of for now. Hoping y'all hand a blessed Christmas.

Last Night

Did I mention yesterday how much I love my beloved? No? Well let me tell you I love this guy.

Last night he took me on a surprise anniversary date....and this after I told my mom he just doesn't plan surprise things....shame on me.

First stop...drop off the kids at my dear friend April's. This was so we could have an uninterrupted evening. Without a million phone calls :) Thank you April and the rest of the clan.

Next stop is in San Antonio at the shooting range. Yes this was fun for me. I would show you a picture of our targets, but I think posting a picture of my green guy all shot up might somehow flag my blog as a potential threat to them...who ever they are. So in an effort not to draw attention to my already strange self, you will just have to take my word for it...I am a terrible shot.

Next stop was a Starbucks for cup of steamy joe...well for me it was a spiced apple cider. Then we boarded a horse drawn carriage. Much to my delight, I might add. This was all I really wanted to do...so all the other events were just an added bonus. It was lovely riding through downtown San Antonio. The lights along the river walk, the cool night air, all the old buildings, and the sweet smell of Molly (our horse) made for a terribly romantic evening.

Our last stop was Wild Buffalo Wings for 49 cent wings. Yum...my favorite....Richard....not so much. Still he endured all for the sake of love. Isn't that sweet?

He ended the evening, just like he does every year. He asked me to marry him. I told him I was already married to an awesome guy, who was a hottie to boot.

That made him smile.

Then he kissed me :)

Can You Help

Please check out this blog for the Medical Advocacy Team. They have an urgent need for two children to have surgery for spina bifida. The need is urgent to get them to the USA from Haiti so that the surgeries can be performed. You can read all about it here. Please pray about helping these children....for the baby especially, his life depends on it.

13 Years

ago today my beloved and I wed. It was a beautiful winter day, with a wee bit of freshly fallen snow. Just enough to make the ground sparkly and white.

I adore this man.

I adore this man for a multitude of reasons, which I could never fully express.

I adore him because he loves and serves our Lord.

I adore him because he tucks each one of our children in bed each night. One by one, he tucks them in bed and prayers over them.

I adore him because he works diligently to provide for our family.

I adore him because he lets me put my cold feet on him at night.

I adore him because he makes me laugh.

I adore him because he will lay in bed with me each night before bed, and talk about whatever comes to mind. Even when he is tired, he will laugh with me, guide me, and correct me when I am in error.

I adore him because he is so very different than me. He loves adventure, travel, and all manner of scary things. He pushes me beyond where I would normally go.

I adore him because we are so very much alike. I cannot think of any major issue we don't agree on 100%. There are very few small ones that we have differing opinions on.

I adore him because he has a heart for orphans. When I can't sleep at night and find myself all worked up and in tears over the millions of children with out families...he agrees...he feels the same pain.

I adore him because he is never afraid to try something new.

I adore him because he calls me several times a day just to say hi and tell me he loves me.

I adore him because he takes my "passionate outbursts" and just rolls with them. He will sit back and let me rant and vent about whatever current event has me all worked up. When I am all done he will say with a smile, "Is there anything you can do about any of this?" If I say yes, he'll tell me to do it. If I say no, he'll tell me trust in God who is sovereign over all things.

I adore him because he is protective of me. When we walk along the street he always positions himself by the road. In a crowd he will walk in front and guide me, making sure the way in safe.

I adore him, because he is my dearest friend, my confidant, my lover, my spiritual leader, the father of my children. I adore him because he is the one I always feel safe to laugh with and cry with. I adore him because he has seen the ugliest parts of me, and still loves me. I adore him because he always is quick to forgive. Truly his love for me has covered a multitude of my sins.

I love you my dear...thank you for thirteen years. I wouldn't have spent them any other way.

Happy Anniversary

Still Here

I am here, I have not given up blogging for good. I am just still trying to process so many things. It is hard, but I have an Amazing God, who gives me new mercies every morning.

I do well most of the time...then my mind starts to wander. I replay that morning and the phone call in my mind. Then my heart starts to race and I feel like I can't breathe. The tears start to flow, and I think of a million things that will never be. Then I think about my mom, and I can hardly stand it.

Then, by His grace, a passage of scripture will come to mind, and slowly I am put a ease. I am reminded of His goodness. I don't see good in this...no matter how hard I look I don't see any good. But, I know what I believe, and I know in Whom I have believed. I trust Him. Though I don't see it, I believe Him. God is good. In Him there is NO evil. He loves me. He loves my mother. His word says that, "All things work together for good, for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." I believe that, I don't see it, but I trust Him nevertheless.

Grief

Don't know how to begin this post, don't even know what I am going to say. I do know I need to start sorting through some of this..so I am just going to type. This won't be a pretty little heart warming post...so if you are looking for warm fuzzies..perhaps you should read another blog.

December 2, 2008 that is a day that has never had meaning to me before, it was just another day on the calender. December 2, 2008 the day my healthy 51 year old father died. A day when he left for work like he had thousands of times before. No one knew that this would be the day, appointed to him, before the foundations of the world, to leave this life.

It was just a deer. Hitting a deer with your car is supposed to destroy your car, not your life.

Someone please convince me airbags are a good thing. It is likely that the air bag deploying, made it impossible for my dad to see where he was going, thus hitting another car head on. Would this have happened if there had not been an airbag?

How do I wrap my mind around this...My mom and dad normally go on cruises with several friends. This year, they couldn't go because my dad had used his vacation days to com to Texas and see us. He could have been a wonderful vacation, not driving to work. My mom could be snorkeling in crystal blue water, not planning the funeral of her dearest friend, facing a life without the man who has loved her all these years.

I know my doctrine. Really I do. I know what I believe, and I know that nothing could have stopped these events. Why does it always have to be so difficult to connect what I believe to actual events, when those events suck?

What about my mom. I know that millions of people throughout history have been widowed. I know that they have survived. Did those people have a love for one another like my parents? Those of you who know me in real life know, I have told you about how my dad loved my mom. Honestly it always gave me hope, that someone with his beliefs, could love my mom the way God commands...like Christ loves the church. Surely that was the Lord moving on him. He has adored her and cared for her for 33 years. They have been inseparable. They didn't have the things she did, the things he did. If they couldn't do it together, he wasn't interested. How do you go on when you loose that kind of love?

Please, please, please if you do not have life insurance policy on yourself and your spouse...get one today. We are all going to die, and NOT ONE of us knows when. This is not a waste of money. This is lovingly providing for your family, during the time of their greatest need. Money does not replace what was lost, but it does help to make some thing easier. I can not imagine planning a funeral, and on top of all else, having to worry about how I was even going to cover the funeral expenses.

My mom told me today that her work gives her a whopping three days of bereavement leave. Wow, three whole days. Makes me sick.

Both of Richard's parents are dead, and now my dad. My mom is all that is left. Makes me sad.

William and Marissa are not going to even remember him.

They have been with us for only five months, and have been to two funerals. Something about that just seems wrong.

The constant flow of visitors into the house has taken a toll on them. We are trying to shield them as much as possible...but I have to be there. Marissa is back to freely giving her affection to every stranger that comes through the door. William is sullen and seems hard to reach.

The older kids are acting out terribly.

I do not have the capacity to deal with them right now.

My friends have done much to comfort me, to encourage me that the Lord could have done a work of grace in my father's heart. I want to believe that...I really do. To be honest it is a great struggle. I watched him soften over the last several moths, I know that can only come from a work of grace...but still.

I want to find the woman that was with him when he died. I have a million questions...but only one means the world to me.

I have learned about the stages of grief, most of us have. To be honest, I never understood denial. It didn't make sense to me. It does now. Even today, four days later, most of us are still thinking someone got this all wrong.

I don't understand.

I want to...I am trying...one day I know, by God's grace, I will...but what do I do until then?