Grief

Don't know how to begin this post, don't even know what I am going to say. I do know I need to start sorting through some of this..so I am just going to type. This won't be a pretty little heart warming post...so if you are looking for warm fuzzies..perhaps you should read another blog.

December 2, 2008 that is a day that has never had meaning to me before, it was just another day on the calender. December 2, 2008 the day my healthy 51 year old father died. A day when he left for work like he had thousands of times before. No one knew that this would be the day, appointed to him, before the foundations of the world, to leave this life.

It was just a deer. Hitting a deer with your car is supposed to destroy your car, not your life.

Someone please convince me airbags are a good thing. It is likely that the air bag deploying, made it impossible for my dad to see where he was going, thus hitting another car head on. Would this have happened if there had not been an airbag?

How do I wrap my mind around this...My mom and dad normally go on cruises with several friends. This year, they couldn't go because my dad had used his vacation days to com to Texas and see us. He could have been a wonderful vacation, not driving to work. My mom could be snorkeling in crystal blue water, not planning the funeral of her dearest friend, facing a life without the man who has loved her all these years.

I know my doctrine. Really I do. I know what I believe, and I know that nothing could have stopped these events. Why does it always have to be so difficult to connect what I believe to actual events, when those events suck?

What about my mom. I know that millions of people throughout history have been widowed. I know that they have survived. Did those people have a love for one another like my parents? Those of you who know me in real life know, I have told you about how my dad loved my mom. Honestly it always gave me hope, that someone with his beliefs, could love my mom the way God commands...like Christ loves the church. Surely that was the Lord moving on him. He has adored her and cared for her for 33 years. They have been inseparable. They didn't have the things she did, the things he did. If they couldn't do it together, he wasn't interested. How do you go on when you loose that kind of love?

Please, please, please if you do not have life insurance policy on yourself and your spouse...get one today. We are all going to die, and NOT ONE of us knows when. This is not a waste of money. This is lovingly providing for your family, during the time of their greatest need. Money does not replace what was lost, but it does help to make some thing easier. I can not imagine planning a funeral, and on top of all else, having to worry about how I was even going to cover the funeral expenses.

My mom told me today that her work gives her a whopping three days of bereavement leave. Wow, three whole days. Makes me sick.

Both of Richard's parents are dead, and now my dad. My mom is all that is left. Makes me sad.

William and Marissa are not going to even remember him.

They have been with us for only five months, and have been to two funerals. Something about that just seems wrong.

The constant flow of visitors into the house has taken a toll on them. We are trying to shield them as much as possible...but I have to be there. Marissa is back to freely giving her affection to every stranger that comes through the door. William is sullen and seems hard to reach.

The older kids are acting out terribly.

I do not have the capacity to deal with them right now.

My friends have done much to comfort me, to encourage me that the Lord could have done a work of grace in my father's heart. I want to believe that...I really do. To be honest it is a great struggle. I watched him soften over the last several moths, I know that can only come from a work of grace...but still.

I want to find the woman that was with him when he died. I have a million questions...but only one means the world to me.

I have learned about the stages of grief, most of us have. To be honest, I never understood denial. It didn't make sense to me. It does now. Even today, four days later, most of us are still thinking someone got this all wrong.

I don't understand.

I want to...I am trying...one day I know, by God's grace, I will...but what do I do until then?