Friday, December 5, 2008


Don't know how to begin this post, don't even know what I am going to say. I do know I need to start sorting through some of I am just going to type. This won't be a pretty little heart warming if you are looking for warm fuzzies..perhaps you should read another blog.

December 2, 2008 that is a day that has never had meaning to me before, it was just another day on the calender. December 2, 2008 the day my healthy 51 year old father died. A day when he left for work like he had thousands of times before. No one knew that this would be the day, appointed to him, before the foundations of the world, to leave this life.

It was just a deer. Hitting a deer with your car is supposed to destroy your car, not your life.

Someone please convince me airbags are a good thing. It is likely that the air bag deploying, made it impossible for my dad to see where he was going, thus hitting another car head on. Would this have happened if there had not been an airbag?

How do I wrap my mind around this...My mom and dad normally go on cruises with several friends. This year, they couldn't go because my dad had used his vacation days to com to Texas and see us. He could have been a wonderful vacation, not driving to work. My mom could be snorkeling in crystal blue water, not planning the funeral of her dearest friend, facing a life without the man who has loved her all these years.

I know my doctrine. Really I do. I know what I believe, and I know that nothing could have stopped these events. Why does it always have to be so difficult to connect what I believe to actual events, when those events suck?

What about my mom. I know that millions of people throughout history have been widowed. I know that they have survived. Did those people have a love for one another like my parents? Those of you who know me in real life know, I have told you about how my dad loved my mom. Honestly it always gave me hope, that someone with his beliefs, could love my mom the way God Christ loves the church. Surely that was the Lord moving on him. He has adored her and cared for her for 33 years. They have been inseparable. They didn't have the things she did, the things he did. If they couldn't do it together, he wasn't interested. How do you go on when you loose that kind of love?

Please, please, please if you do not have life insurance policy on yourself and your spouse...get one today. We are all going to die, and NOT ONE of us knows when. This is not a waste of money. This is lovingly providing for your family, during the time of their greatest need. Money does not replace what was lost, but it does help to make some thing easier. I can not imagine planning a funeral, and on top of all else, having to worry about how I was even going to cover the funeral expenses.

My mom told me today that her work gives her a whopping three days of bereavement leave. Wow, three whole days. Makes me sick.

Both of Richard's parents are dead, and now my dad. My mom is all that is left. Makes me sad.

William and Marissa are not going to even remember him.

They have been with us for only five months, and have been to two funerals. Something about that just seems wrong.

The constant flow of visitors into the house has taken a toll on them. We are trying to shield them as much as possible...but I have to be there. Marissa is back to freely giving her affection to every stranger that comes through the door. William is sullen and seems hard to reach.

The older kids are acting out terribly.

I do not have the capacity to deal with them right now.

My friends have done much to comfort me, to encourage me that the Lord could have done a work of grace in my father's heart. I want to believe that...I really do. To be honest it is a great struggle. I watched him soften over the last several moths, I know that can only come from a work of grace...but still.

I want to find the woman that was with him when he died. I have a million questions...but only one means the world to me.

I have learned about the stages of grief, most of us have. To be honest, I never understood denial. It didn't make sense to me. It does now. Even today, four days later, most of us are still thinking someone got this all wrong.

I don't understand.

I want to...I am day I know, by God's grace, I will...but what do I do until then?


S.L.P said...

Melissa, I love you so much! I am praying for you and your family. Wishing I could be there to let you cry, to help you comfort the children and just to love on you. Please call if you need to for Anything.

april said...

Melissa, I know your heart is broken right now and I am so sorry. Please know that there are many here back home uplifting you in prayer, who love you all so much...
But you O Lord are a sheild about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

Cheryl said...

I am so sorry, Melissa. I will be praying for you and your family.

Gaunt Family said...

Oh Melissa. Sweet Jesus lay your hand on this family and give them comfort in their time of suffering.

Your kids will be okay. You will be okay, eventually. God bless you. What an unimaginable thing for your poor mom. 3 days bereavement. That is sick.

Anonymous said...

May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, be with you and yours.

We love y'all, and are praying for you!

The Bateys

lauradodson said...

HE will keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.

We love you. We are praying for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, and so thankful for what a wonderful legacy of love he left behind for his family.

Stephanee&Zach said...

You don't know me but I have been reading your blog for sometime. We have also adopted and live in San Marcos. We are praying for God to shower your family with His peace and comfort and grace. I am so very sorry for your pain.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, I love you so terribly much. And I know you know this already, and I am sure you are finding this true especially now, that doctrine (even good doctrine) does not see us through difficult times, only the Person of Jesus Christ does. So, keep your eyes on HIM, not the knowledge you have about Him or how He works, and He will give you rest, peace, and comfort in spite of your questions.

I love you and I am praying for you and your family, I know you know that. The Lord brings us through some mighty hard times SO THAT we will see Him and His glory revealed - look for Him in all of this, and point others to Him. I have seen His work of grace and mercy in you and your parents the past several years time and again. Rest in WHO you know Him to be. He is still the same God He was on December 1st, 2008. And He will sustain you.

Your sister in Christ forever, Juli

Janet said...

Oh, Melissa. I am so sorry. I had to read this post twice to believe it actually just happened. I am so sorry, my dear friend. May God grant you peace at this time. I wish I lived closer. I wish there was something I could do to help. Oh, I will be praying for you all. My heart is broken for you.

the Steiger's said...

I am so sorry. This must be hard. I just came across your blog this morning but I had to say that I will be praying for you. I lost my dad few years ago. It was very unexpected and as your dad he was on the way to work. Somehow he parked the car but he never got out. I will pray for God's peace and understanding.

Anonymous said...

Grieving with and for you all! So grateful there is a Constant Source of Peace and Strength we can turn to when nothing else is constant or clear. Please call on us if we can be of help...
the Geers